


Dubious Quest #413: The East Stargo Vampire

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Blood, F/F, Gratuitous Amounts of Flirting, Paranormal Investigators, Vampires, and shoe talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 06:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16470326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: Rose Lalonde runs a low budget paranormal investigation show with her brother, Dave.  So far she's seen nothing to prove the existence of supernatural beings.  That is, until she reaches East Stargo and meets a mysterious woman named Kanaya who may or may not be a vampire.





	Dubious Quest #413: The East Stargo Vampire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ClockworkDinosaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClockworkDinosaur/gifts).



> I can't believe I got this out in time for Halloween!!! Yay!! 
> 
> Anyway this was a prompt I got from the great and wonderful and absolutely superb Dino (ClockworkDinosaur on here/ @shyyren on Tumblr) that I've been excited about ever since I laid eyes on it. I know this took me a really really long time to write, but I hope it was worth the wait. Thanks for the request, and I hope you like reading it!! <3

When you’ve seen one forest, you’ve seen them all. The one you are currently in is no exception. It feels like you’re standing in the same crowded wood as you were in Maine, Colorado, Oregon, Minnesota, and New York, as well as every other state you’ve stopped in on your so far fruitless quest across the country. 

You walk across the forest floor, leaves crunching underfoot. You turn on your heel to face your brother and his camera. “Dave, are you ready?”

“Give me a sec, Rose, I’ve almost got this bitch all set up.” Dave fiddles around with his video camera, popping off the lens cap and pressing buttons. “Not that I’m complaining, but shouldn’t we be doing this shit at night? We’re after a vamp and those things suck in the dark, right? Seems weird to do this in the middle of the day.”

It’s the odd time between summer and autumn when the weather can’t decide upon the season for itself. The sun is shining hot down through a filter of branches and what small amount of leaves are still desperately clinging to life. There’s a breeze offplaying the heat and cooling the temperature lower than you’d expect given the heavy sun, it whispers through your hair and plays with the edge of your skirt. 

“Please.” You roll your eyes. “You just want to go to the motel.”

“Can you blame me? It was a long drive, and I’m tired. Not all of us can go a week without a wink like you can.” A red light blinks to life on his camera. “Aight, we’re gonna get this thing rolling. Five, four, three...”

He counts down the two and the one on his fingers, then points to you. You give a short nod and clear your throat one final time.

“Hello and welcome to yet another episode of Dubious Quest, where my brother and I search for proof of the supernatural and zoologically cryptic, and most often, expose the shame of those who would attempt to dupe us like complete -I’m sorry I need to cut for a minute-”

Dave puts his hand over the camera lens. “What?”

“What am I allowed to say on the air again?”

“Whatever you want.” He shrugs. “It’ll just be bleeped out later. You know, like every time I talk in this show because my mouth is a fucking toilet.”

“Alright, in that case I’ll just use my best judgement and err on the side of caution.” You wave your hand at Dave so he removes it from the lens. 

“Exposing the shame of those who would attempt to dupe us like complete assholes into believing they are something other than who they really are: jackasses with too much time on their hands and shitty costuming skills. I’m your host, Rose Lalonde. With me, as always, is the man whose charisma and cowardice knows no bounds but is constantly immortalized on camera for all to see.”

“Do you really have to introduce me like that every time?”

“Of course I do. As I was saying, my brother, Dave the whole package Strider. Why don’t you turn the camera around and say hello to our wonderful audience, Dave?”

He sighs but does what you say, turning the camera on himself as you clap in the background. Even though you put him on the spot like this every time you begin an episode, it still embarrasses the hell out of him as much now as it did the first time. There’s a reason why he stays behind the camera. 

You gesture for him to turn the camera back around to you. “As you can see from all these trees, we are investigating in yet another rural area. This time, we’re in a small town near Mount Pilchuk-”

“That’s in Washington, folks.”

“-I’m sure they could have figured that out from themselves, Dave. After all, Google exists. As I was saying, Dave and I have traveled to a small, quaint town in the Washington countryside in search of a creature that stalks this very forest. Sightings of the creature itself are rare, but the bloodless wildlife it leaves strewn across the forest floor in the quiet darkness was enough for the locals to reach one conclusion.” You pause for the effect. “There is a vampire in East Stargo.”

“A vampire? In rural Washington? What a unique and original concept!” 

“As long as they don’t sparkle I don’t see how it’s any sort of copyright infringement. It’s parody at best.” You gesture for Dave to zoom in on your face. “Bite me, Stephenie Meyer.”

Dave snorts and puts the camera down. “Cool, I think we got everything we need for now.”

“You sure? You don’t want to get some establishing shots?”

You walk past Dave and back towards the edge of the forest. You both didn’t wander far, so the car is still in sight. Black, shiny, and glinting in the bright midday sun. Dave catches up with you quickly, keeping in step with you for the remainder of the short walk out.

He shakes his head. “Not right now. We’ve got a whole week or so before you pull down the deception pants and expose this particular dick and then we’re on to the next place. I’d rather take those in a frantic panic right before we leave.”

“So, like usual?” You reply as you get in the passenger’s seat. 

Dave puts his camera in the back and takes driver’s side. “Yeah.” 

“If we’re not doing any more shots here, then we may as well go get lunch.” You suggest as he starts the car. “Perhaps conduct a few quick interviews with people and see if we can gather more information about the alleged vampire sightings from the locals.”

“That’s a pretty good idea.” Dave nods. “That way we can get our meal comped by the studio.”

“Also like usual, yes. Do you think they have any fancy restaurants here?”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up too high. This is a little turd town stuck right up the crack of buttfuck nowhere. Closest thing to fancy they probably have here’s an Olive Garden.”

“An Olive Garden?” You stroke your chin thoughtfully. “Well, I _am_ a bitch for bottomless breadsticks.”

\----------------------------------

Despite the fact that the town of East Stargo looks like it’s been frozen in time since the late sixties, they do have an Olive Garden. You have a short discussion with the manager about filming in the restaurant, which they agreed to wholeheartedly once you told them that you would compliment this particular location’s services on television and probably boost sales a bit after the episode airs. The two of you manage to secure a booth in the back where Dave can get some good shots of the restaurant. 

Dave puts his camera down on the edge of the table so it’s facing the geriatric crowd of afternoon diners. Your server comes by with a basket of breadsticks and asks what you’d like to drink. You decide on water, and Dave insists they bring him the best apple juice they have. And it better be chilled as satan’s ass according to Dante or he’ll send it the fuck back. The server nods and leaves.

“Should we have asked them if they knew anything about the vampire?”

You shrug. “We can ask when they get back. What are you planning on ordering?”

“Something garlic heavy.” He replies, looking deep in thought as he considers the menu. “Gotta gather my defenses before we start hunting for shit.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t request holy water.” You pick up a breadstick from the basket and start to eat it as you glance at the menu. It doesn’t matter what you pick because you’re probably going to fill up on bread, anyway. 

“I did request holy water, Rose. What could be more holy than water that’s been filtered through an apple?”

“Actual water that’s been blessed by a priest.” 

The server returns and puts your drinks in front of you both. They ask if you’ve decided what you want to order yet. Since you’re planning on making the studio pay for your lunch, you point out one of the more expensive items. Dave gives his order quickly after you. Before you can ask the server anything else, they’re called over to a different table and have to leave.

“Well, fuck.”

“Don’t sweat it. They gotta come back later, we ordered food.” Dave picks up his cup of juice and swirls it around. “If I asked a priest to bless my juice, would that make it holy or does that only apply to water? And would that work against a vampire if I sprayed them with it?”

“It would definitely make them sticky and uncomfortable, at least.” You nod. “I say you should go for it. Ask a priest to bless your juice. Just make sure you’re filming when you do it.”

“You’re the most supportive sister ever.”

“I try.”

The server returns less than ten minutes later, pushing a full cart towards you. Aside from the plates and the rather large pepper grinder, all other items seem to be made from the same cold gray chrome as the cart. 

You wave a hand at Dave to pick up his camera off the edge of the table. Can’t conduct a proper interview at crotch level. Actually, you can, it’s your show and nobody’s stopping you from doing so, but if you do that then the footage won’t be used. What would be the point of coming to this restaurant if you couldn’t even use it?

The server stops in front of the table and picks up a large cheese grater. You can’t help but notice how shiny it looks under the restaurant’s bright lights. It almost looks like it’s brand new. 

Who knows, maybe it is.

“Would you like cheese on your salad?”

Dave leans over the table and whispers to you. “Does cheese normally go on salad?”

You raise an eyebrow at him. “How the hell should I know? Do I look like I eat salads, Dave?”

“Good point.” He slumps back into his seat and directs his camera over at the server. “Cheese the fuck out of our salad.”

They start grating the cheese. “Say ‘when’ when it’s enough.”

“Can’t I just say stop?”

“Sure,” they nod in reply, “stop is fine.” 

“And if you don’t mind, we have some questions we’d like to ask you.” You say as you watch the parmesan shred into a little snowy heap atop the lettuce. 

“That’s...also fine.” Their brow is furrowed with apprehension. You can’t say you blame them for it, though, especially since you know what you’re going to ask. “Go ahead.”

“We’re paranormal investigators, and we’re here about sightings of what we have reason to believe may be a vampire in this town. Do you know anything about this? Or if you don’t, would you be able to point us in the direction of someone who does?”

Their face lights up when you mention the vampire. Maybe they do know something about it, or perhaps it’s enough of a legend here that they simply recognize it. 

“No need! I know all about the vampire.” They chirp as they continue to grate cheese. Dave has his camera trained on them, but their face is turned more towards you. “I actually saw it once, you know.”

The cheese is piling high, the block of parmesan has halved in size. “When.”

“It was, um...a couple weeks ago, I think? At least a month now. I don’t remember the exact date off the top of my head but I do have it written down somewhere on my phone.” As if you need an explanation, they’re quick to add, “I keep an online journal. Everything there is timestamped and I posted about an hour after it happened, I think. If you want I could go get my phone and look for it.”

“No, I meant stop. That’s enough cheese.”

They jump, apparently shocked by the block of cheese and grater in their hands. “Of course.”

They exchange the grater and cheese for a pair of salad spoons and begins tossing so the abundance of cheese is mixed into the green. 

“So you actually saw the vampire?” Dave asks. “Like, you got a good eyeful of it and it was obviously some overgrown leechey blood fucker or did you just get freaked out in the forest and let your overactive imagination leak all over your pants and you didn’t actually see shit?”

“Course not, I actually _saw_ it. Bright and clear.”

“How could you see it bright and clear? Vampires hunt at night, right? Pretty sure it’s dark at night, especially here in a rural area where lights die soon as they hit trees or whatever the fuck is up with that. Unless you have night vision, too?”

“Yes.” You lean in closer and stare intently at their face. “What are you hiding from us?”

There’s a blush spreading across their face. “N-nothing?”

“Look me in the eyes and confirm you’re not a vampire right now.”

They drop the salad spoons in surprise. That’s alright, the salad was probably tossed enough, anyway. “How the fu- I mean, how am I supposed to do that?” 

“Swallow a whole clove of garlic in front of me.”

“Are you joking?” They turn to Dave. “Is she joking?”

“Oh, believe me, she’s serious.” Dave angles himself so he’s almost sitting on the table, his camera pointed up towards the server’s startled face. “We’re all business all the time. Do you really think we’d joke about this?” 

“I don’t know? I don’t know either of you?” 

“Get the garlic.” You say firmly. “After you finish with the salad, of course.”

“Okay.” They nod slowly, removing the spoons from the bowl and picking up a large wooden pepper grinder. “But just so we’re clear, I had a flashlight with me. That’s how I saw the vampire.”

“Can you tell me more about it? So far the only information you’ve offered is that you saw the vampire and you had a flashlight. Honestly, that’s not very useful information.”

“I was out fishing by myself, there’s a small pond deep in the woods that I like to go to and relax by myself on the weekends. I stayed out later than I meant to, so by the time I started packing up and heading back home it was already dark out. So I got out my flashlight and started my way back home. There’s no trail there, so I had to keep a close eye out for any signs that I was going the right way. It was while I was swinging my flashlight around that I saw her-”

“Her?” You lean in, intrigued.

“Sorry, _it._ ” They correct, twisting the pepper grinder quickly in their hand. “Just because it was wearing ladies clothes doesn’t make it not a monster. Anyway, I saw it. It was on top of a deer, and when my light hit it it looked up at me. It bore its fangs at me, and its mouth was dripping with blood. It freaked me out so much I ran away. I thought I heard it chasing me for awhile, but when I finally broke out of the woods I was alone.”

If what this server says is true, then there really is a vampire here. Or at the very least, someone with a very strange kink. Either way, it’s definitely interesting. “So, where exactly was this? If you stumbled upon the vampire’s hunting grounds I think I’d like to investigate.”

“It’s not too far from here. You just have to drive tha-”

Everything happens in a matter of seconds.

The server throws an arm out in what must be the direction of the woods, heavy looking pepper grinder still in hand. Somehow, they seem to have forgotten that they’re holding it.

The pepper grinder swings in an arc in Dave’s direction. Before you can react, it connects. 

A crunch.

Dave slumps back into his seat, camera falling onto the table as you and the server both freeze in position. He gently prods at his nose with his fingers.

There are tears slipping down from beneath his shades as he hisses at the pain. They mingle with the blood gushing like a faucet from his nose, the combination dripping from his chin and onto his shirt.

“Oh god, sir I’m so sorry!”

“Dave, are you alright?”

He sits up and sniffs. “Can we go to the hospital?”

 

\-------------------------

You get directions to the nearest hospital from your distressed server between their apologies and begging you not to sue them or the restaurant. You wave off the apologies and take the directions and their offer to bring the food you ordered over to the hospital when it’s ready. What happened wasn’t on purpose, just incredibly stupid. You and Dave understand that.

There’s a little clinic in town that’s not too far a drive from the restaurant. The clinic is as good as empty, and the state of Dave’s face has you both being led to a room where you should expect a doctor shortly. In the meantime, you’re asked to fill out a form for the doctor about your visit.

You start filling out the form while Dave sits on the examination table, tilting his head forward and back into a wad of quickly reddening tissues. 

“Which way are you supposed to tilt your head when your nose is bleeding?” He asks you, his voice more nasally than usual, most likely from the way he’s pinching his nose shut.

“Back.” You reply immediately as you write down your reason for coming today on the form. “No, forward. One of the two.”

“Wow, one of the two. That really narrowed my options, Rose, thanks. You’ve been a big help.”

“Don’t mention it. What’s your social security number?”

Dave moves the tissues away from his nose, the two remaining connected by a gooey bridge of blood and snot strewn between them. He opens his mouth, but before he can utter a single word the door opens. 

Some guy in scrubs walks in. “So, what brings you in this afternoon?” 

His gaze is first directed towards you, then to the obvious patient, Dave. Dave’s hand is still holding the tissues away from his face, the threads of blood and mucuous between them drooping and threatening to break. The lower half of his face is completely marred with a mix of fresh and dried blood. Honestly, it looks like a crime scene.

This person takes one good, long look at Dave’s face and all the blood smeared across it before his own face pales.

Then, as if he was not in fact a trained medical professional and was actually some sort of weenie, his eyes roll back in his head and he collapses to the floor.

You slump back in your seat and tap your pen against the clipboard you’d been given to write on. “What’s wrong with the people in this town?”

“Is this some new form of medical treatment that I’m out of the loop about?” Dave asks, pressing the tissues back up against his face. “The element of surprise? Am I supposed to be so shocked by my doc’s ineptitude that I’m instantaneously cured of all ailments? Rose, was this the cure to everything all along? Was Patch Adams on the right track?”

He stands up. “Oh, holy shit, Rose! I can walk, it’s a miracle! I’m cured!”

You roll your eyes at him. “Well, since you’re no longer injured that means you can start filling this form out yourself while I go look for someone competent in this clinic.”

You hand him the clipboard and get up to leave. You have to step carefully over the body of the unconscious and useless guy on the floor on your way out. “Don’t go anywhere, okay? Either of you.”

“That’s not gonna be much of an issue for our new pal over there. But what about me? What if I need new tissues or I gotta use the can or something?”

“Piss yourself.”

He gives you a quick salute. “You got it, boss.”

You leave him and make a quick note of the room number before wandering down the hall back towards the waiting area. There you find the woman who took you to the room sitting behind a counter, doing a crossword puzzle.

“Excuse me,” she looks up at you, curious about your interruption, “one of your staff came in to examine my brother, and he fainted. Do you have anyone else on staff right now that could help?”

She sighs as she stands up, “I’ll go see if I can find someone.”

She exits the waiting area and walks down the hall you just came from. You’re left in the waiting area by yourself, debating whether you should stay here or go back to the room to wait. After a short deliberation, you decide to wait here. You’re still waiting on your food, after all. May as well wait here.

You take a seat in one of the less than comfortable waiting chairs and start flipping through a magazine. There’s a bell above the door that jingles as it’s opened. You turn around in your chair, expecting to see the server from Olive Garden arriving with your lunch. Instead, you see something else.

Something much, much better.

A young woman is standing in the doorway. You watch as she glides across the room, her bright red dress and dark umbrella catching your eye as she moves towards the receptionist’s desk. Her back is to you, the black umbrella obscuring your view of her so all you can really see are the hem of her dress and her legs, encased in a pair of tights and black boots. Unfortunately, you weren’t able to get a good look at her face.

“Hello?” Her voice is a smooth contralto. “Is anybody here?”

You clear your throat. “If you’re looking for the receptionist, she’s busy. She ran off to locate a doctor, or at the very least _some sort_ of competent medical professional.”

“Oh?” The woman turns around, tilting her head at you curiously.

God, her face is...striking.

There’s no other word for it. Fuck.

“Did something happen? Was there an accident of some kind that I don’t know about?”

Her eyes are the most brilliant color, like fragments of green tourmaline encased behind the glass display of her sclera. “No, nothing too important, I wouldn’t worry about it. My brother came in because of an injury, but then the person who came to examine him fainted, so the receptionist went to find someone else to help out. I would think she should be back shortly.”

“Oh.” She frowns. “That’s disappointing. I came here to take my cousin out, it’s his first day on the job and I wanted to take him out for a bite to celebrate.”

At the sound of the word “bite” your eyes fall automatically down to her mouth. 

Her lips are full and round, painted an eye catching and glossy black. One of her incisors is poking out, gleaming in contrasting white against her bottom lip. You wonder if it’s an overbite, or perhaps a snaggled and larger than usual tooth.

You wonder if you should stop looking at her mouth like that.

But you can’t go back to looking at her eyes, either. You were just as lightheaded staring into those as you were her mouth.  
You avert your eyes to the left of her, to the umbrella open behind her. 

“I hope you don’t find this too intrusive an inquiry, miss...”

“Kanaya.” She responds promptly, presenting one of her hands to you. Fingertip to elbow is enshrouded in dark lace. You take it and squeeze gently. 

“Kanaya.” You nod as her hand drops from your grip. “I noticed the weather has been particularly lovely today. Granted, there is a breeze, but the sun is shining brightly and there’s not a cloud to be seen. That being the case, why the umbrella?”

She almost seems surprised by the question. “Oh, this?”

“Yes, that.”

Kanaya smirks and twirls the umbrella behind her. “Ever heard of accessorizing?”

“Of course I have.” You roll your eyes. “I just didn’t realize eccentricity was in this season.”

“For a city girl you sure are behind the times.” She chuckles. “Eccentricity is always in, the question is if you can make it work for you.”

You raise an eyebrow. “How did you know I’m a city girl?”

“East Stargo is a very small town, if you were a local I would have at least seen you around before.”

“True, I’m not from here, but that doesn’t automatically make me a city girl.”

Her eyes flick downwards and then back up to you. “Your shoes are covered in dirt.”

“Yes. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, Kanaya, but the outside is full of dirt. This only casts further doubt into your deduction.”

“They’re ballet flats.” She explains. “No small town girl with half a brain would go into the woods just to ruin a pair of perfectly cute shoes.”

“Ah, so you think my shoes are cute?”

Kanaya looks down at them again and shrugs. “I suppose you’re right. The shoes aren’t exceptionally cute. The legs they’re attached to appear to be a different story, though.”

You resist the urge to blush by taking a slow discrete breath through your nose until your blood drains back into place. Yes, an enigmatic and beautiful girl implied your legs are attractive. So what? No reason to get all hot and bothered by a passing compliment from a small town stranger. 

Fuck, she’s cute, though.

“So,” she continues once you fail to respond to her flirtatious advance, “what is a girl like you doing in a place like this, anyway?”

You raise an eyebrow. “Isn’t that line a little cliche for someone with such a refined sense of taste?”

“Not if it’s a legitimate question.” 

“As I said before while you were so busy staring at my legs and not paying attention to what I was saying, I told you I’m here because of my brother. He may or may not have fractured his nose, the fact of the matter is a mystery that remains to be solved.”

“I can look at your legs and listen to you at the same time. We’ve only just met, please don’t doubt my ability to multitask.” Kanaya replies. “I meant what are you doing in East Stargo in the first place?”

Here lies the dilemma; do you tell this beautiful woman you believe you have a connection with the truth about why you’re here, that you’re here for work and that work involves trying to locate a vampire, or do you stretch the truth into a shape that appears more conventional? 

On the one hand, she may think you’re crazy (or even worse, stupid) for searching for a supernatural entity, much less for believing in the concept of them. Or, she might even believe in such things herself, which may be good or bad thing. 

If you lie, you can preserve this new relationship for a little while longer and continue flirting with her. Possibly until you leave town. Or, if you’re lucky, you can text her until the episode airs and exposes you once and for all.

The real answer to this depends on where your priorities are right now.

“Nothing, really.” You give a noncommittal shrug. “Just touring across the country and seeing what there is to see. This is just a stop on our journey throughout the state of Washington.”

“So this isn’t your first venture into an environment rich with agriculture, then?”

“No, far from it. In fact, I would say the majority of places I’ve explored recently have been rural areas.” That part is true. Actually, technically none of what you’ve said could really be considered a lie. Not even an omission, since she hasn’t asked you what you do for a living yet.

Kanaya raises an eyebrow. “And yet you still haven’t learned about sneakers?”

“I’m not going to take advice on appropriate outdoor footwear from someone wearing boots with a three inch heel.” 

“That’s the difference between my boots and your flats.” She replies. “I don’t intend on traipsing across the forest in them, because as you so kindly pointed out, they weren’t made for that kind of wear and tear. You, on the other hand, don’t seem to care quite as much about the state of your shoes and will gladly dirty them beyond repair.”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say they’re beyond repair.” You look down at your shoes. They’re definitely dirty, and since you wore the cheaper cloth flats today and you don’t have access to a washing machine, they’ll be that much harder to clean. “But if you really think so, maybe I should invest in a new and sturdier pair.”

“If you’d like to buy some before you leave town, I’ll gladly help you look.”

Your heart palpitates in your chest just at the thought. When you open your mouth to agree, something in the back of your mind cuts you off before you can speak.

This woman, Kanaya, just said she’d help you look for shoes. As far as you’re aware, most of this conversation has been literally about footwear, unless her face and interestingly catching choice of accessory has struck you dumb in the face of metaphor and simile. Assuming this entire discussion has been literal and you’re not misunderstanding something, then that begs a strange question; 

Who asks someone out on a date to go shoe shopping?

“Thank you, I may take you up on that offer.” You say. “But might I ask what brought on such an intriguing suggestion? It’s not every day that someone asks if they can help you look for shoes.”

She smiles. “My sister and I run a shoe store in the middle of town. You could say that it’s my area of expertise.”

Ah, so that was it. 

She runs a shoe store. She wasn’t flirting, she was just trying to do business with you. Fuck, there goes all your hopes of pursuing a real date with her. 

The door bursts open with a jingle, revealing the server from Olive Garden struggling to catch their breath. They’re leaning agains the doorframe and clutching a bag that you assume from the smell is full of the food they promised to bring you. 

“Ma’am, I’m so sorry,” they apologize, holding the bag out to you, “here. Is there anything else I can do to make this up to the two of you?”

“If you’re really that concerned about it, I’m not opposed to you paying Dave’s medical bills.” You reply as you take the bag from them. The bag is warm, and even between the layers of paper and plastic container, you can still detect the strong scent of garlic wafting from the inside. 

If you play your cards right, you may be able to get a date out of this yet.  
“Kanaya,” you turn back to her, completely ignoring the server as they continue to breathe heavily behind you, “since your plans for your lunchbreak have seemingly fallen through, why don’t you share a meal with me instead? You can have my brother’s food, if you like. That way it won’t go to waste while he’s busy being patched up.”

You’re sure Dave will understand. 

“Thank you,” Kanaya smiles politely, but wrinkles her nose in a gesture you could only read as disgust, “but I will have to decline. That smells particularly garlic heavy, and I’ve developed a sensitive allergy to that recently. Perhaps I’ll leave for now and grab something on my way back to the shop.”

She glides past you and towards the door, angling her umbrella so none of the sunlight touches her face. She turns briefly back to you, a smirk on her darkly painted lips. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Of course you will.” You nod firmly. “I’ll be here all week, I’m certain our paths will cross again. Besides, where else am I going to get those new shoes I need? Which reminds me, what did you say your shop was called again?”

“I didn’t.” She opens the door and stands halfway between inside and outside the hospital. “You seem smart enough to figure it out for yourself, Rose.”

And then Kanaya leaves. Unable to say goodbye before the door closes behind her, you can only watch her walk away. 

Something about her leaving felt off. Not just the lack of goodbyes and your inability to say something clever as she left. No, something else...

Did you tell her what your name was?

You must have, she knew it.

But...you don’t recall telling her. 

How did she know?

“Wow, I bet she wasn’t expecting to meet you here. She must’ve been talking your ear off.” Snorted the server.

“You’re still here?” You didn’t mean for it to sound quite so condescending, you’d genuinely forgotten about them.

“Oh, sorry.” They almost seem to flinch at your words. “I can leave, of course.”

“No, it’s fine.” You shake your head. “What did you mean? About Kanaya?”

“Only that she’s your biggest fan.” They roll their eyes. “She’s seen every episode of Dubious Quest at least three times, she’s a total dork for you. Did you not know? Kanaya didn’t tell you?”

“No, she didn’t.” 

So she knew who you were the whole time. She knew exactly why you were here. Obviously she didn’t want you to know that, or she wouldn’t have asked that. 

Maybe she wanted to know if you would be honest with her. Or maybe she simply didn’t want you to know that she was a fan in the same way that you didn’t want her to know that you had a show.

The image of Kanaya sitting down in a dark room with her eyes glued to the screen as you acted like a jackass on tv was difficult for you to visualize. But still, you could. And if you’d visualized it at the time you were talking to her, the conversation may have ended differently. 

At any rate, it seems you may have a better chance with this girl than you initially thought. 

“Well,” you say to them as you turn on your heel and begin to leave, “I suppose I better take this back to Dave so I can eat it in front of him as he whines about his nose from the examination table. Thank you for bringing this here.”

You don’t hear their reply, but you’re sure it was something along the lines of “don’t mention it” and yet another apology as you walk down the hall and back to the room you abandoned Dave in.

You open the door and find Dave sitting there on the table. His tissues look newer, and there’s no longer a body blocking the door. You suppose that means the receptionist found someone or did this herself. Either way, it seems you’re still waiting for the doctor.

“Sweet, food’s here.” Dave sticks one hand out to you for the bag.

You hold it away from him as you sit down in one of the chairs. “No, I don’t think so. You can’t eat right now, Dave, you have to wait for the doctor.”

You open the bag and pull out a container of what you think is probably your food. It doesn’t make much of a difference whose it is because you plan on eating it either way. You dig around the bag in search of a fork.

“Oh, so you get to eat and I don’t?”

“Yes, exactly.” You find a plastic fork and a napkin, which you quickly lay across your lap so as not to stain your skirt. “Does it look like my nose is busted and in need of medical attention, Dave?”

You pop the top off of your to go container and pluck a piece of pasta into your mouth. 

“God,” he groans, “I’m so fucking hungry, when will the doctor get here already? What the hell are they doing? This place isn’t exactly swamped with the sick and critically injured. And while we’re at it, what the fuck took you so long to come back? That woman from the front came in right after you left.”

“I met someone in the waiting area.” You reply with a shrug. “We started talking and it took up more time than I thought it would.”

“Really?” He raises an eyebrow and leans in closer to you. You can see his eyes through his shades from here. “Must have been an interesting encounter to keep you there for so long.”

“Yes, it was.” You nod. “She-”

You’re about to launch into a description of this girl, and what you discussed with her, when your brain makes connections that you were too blind to notice when you were with the girl herself. It adds things up for you. Things that if left separate may have just been the quirks of an eccentric girl living in such a mundane area trying to make herself appear unique and stylish in contrast to other locals. Things that mean nothing alone, but when combined form an image that is both clear and difficult to see at the same time.

An aversion to garlic. The umbrella that blocks out the sun and clothing that covered every inch of her body. The use of the word “bite”. Her sharp and exposed tooth. 

“She?” 

“I think she might be the East Stargo vampire.”

\----------------------------

“You really gotta stop accusing girls of being monsters just cuz you have the hots for them.” Dave says as he sets up a camera on a tripod by the illumination of your flashlight. 

“You say that as if this is a common occurrence and not something that’s happened only once before.” 

“Twice.” He replies as he stands up, brushing dirt off his pants. “Or are you just forgetting about all that bullshit with Aradia?” 

“I never called Aradia a monster, Dave.” You roll your eyes. “I only asked her if she wanted to join me in communing with a spirit using that Ouija board that I bought at the pawn shop.”

“Yeah, and then you fucking rigged the board so it said you two should make out.” Dave interrupts. “I was there, remember?”

“Of course I remember, and that part was very awkward and uncomfortable for me.”

“It was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone. Didn’t stop you from macking on each other, though.”

“Like I’d let anything get in the way of my goals.” You hand Dave a flashlight of his own. “Which is the exact reason why I don’t often accuse pretty girls of being monsters unless I am one hundred percent serious about it. Honestly, this is the one job where a work related romance wouldn’t end well.”

Dave flips his flashlight on and holds the light under his chin. “Not unless you have a thing for bigfoot.”

“I’m not humoring your weird bigfoot obsession again. Do you have everything set up?”

“You mean the one expensive camera we have that we’re just gonna abandon here where it could be easily snatched by any random passerby while we stumble through the woods with our flashlights and our little cheapass handheld cameras? Yeah, it’s all done.”

“You worry too much, Dave.” You sigh, shaking your head as you turn on your camera and point it towards the dark trees. “We’re in the middle of the woods, no one is going to steal your precious camera. Now come on, let’s start walking around. Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll stumble upon the vampire’s hunting ground.”

“Yeah and if we’re unlucky bitch’ll steal my camera.”

“You have to admit, that would make for a pretty entertaining episode.” You reply as you start walking away from the path and into the shrubbery. 

Dave is quick to follow after you. “Don’t even fucking joke about that. I’m gonna turn this one on so you better be ready to spout some bullshit for the audience.”

“Alright, okay.” You turn so you’re facing him. “Here we are, in the middle of the woods once again. As you can see, the sun has died and we now live in a world plunged into despair and utter darkness-”

“God, just say it’s night and get on with it.”

“-so, it’s night now.” You continue. “And as you can see, we’re in the woods once again. But not just any woods. These are the woods that may be the vampire’s hunting grounds, or so one local has claimed. We are now wandering around noisily and full of blood in an attempt to attract the vampire into the open.”

“And what’s the plan after that?”

“No idea.” In your entire time running this show, you haven’t gotten past this stage with a need for a second part. “But we’ll figure it out if it comes down to it.”

“I’ve got a sharp piece of wood burning a hole in my front pocket that I’m more than ready to whip out just in case.”

“This isn’t that kind of show, Dave.” You turn on your own camera and turn your flashlight back to the trees. “Now keep it in your pants and let’s expose ourselves a cryptid.”

You and Dave begin stumbling your way through the unfamiliar wood, rustling through dead leaves and tripping over the occasional root. This is a common part of your investigation. Despite the hours you spend roaming the woods at night, this segment normally gets cut because nothing ever happens. Really, you don’t expect anything to. Nothing’s ever actually in the woods. Unless of course people are expected to be there and witness them. 

Once word gets out around town that you’re here with a camera intent on putting them on television, _then_ they will appear. But until then, you have to play this part, at least to keep up the appearance that you’re actually looking for the camera.

You got directions from the Olive Garden server to the place they allegedly saw the vampire, but there was no path to follow. Not that it would have mattered because knowing you, you would have gotten the two of you lost by now even with a proper map. You have enough past experience to consider this as an unquestionable fact and not just speculation.

After a couple minutes of wandering, Dave starts beatboxing, his efforts joining that of the chirping crickets and infrequent hooting owls. You don’t bother to stop him because it doesn’t matter and if you even end up using any of this footage the audio can be replaced with stock recordings from the studio or some shitty low budget music. 

Then, between the sounds of the forest and the sick beats, you hear a noise. You stop walking and try to listen intently. Though the noise sounded strange to your ears, there’s a possibility it was just some nocturnal animal on the hunt. After all, you did hear owls earlier, who’s to say that wasn’t a mouse scrambling through the brush in an attempt to escape?

You’re bumped from behind and pushed forward by Dave. 

“Rose, what the fuck? What’s the holdup?”

“Ssh.” You hold a hand up. “I heard something. Come on, this way.”

Even if it is nothing, you may as well investigate. You creep forward as quietly as possible, Dave following behind as close as he can without tripping you up. The sounds are still there, but the rustling is louder now. 

A guttural cry pierces the night and dissolves into a weak gurgle.

Once again you stop where you stand. Your blood feels like it’s boiling beneath your skin, your heart is a hummingbird flitting against the cage of your ribs. 

Whatever it is, it sounds like you were right about the hunt.

Something grabs your arm, and you jump.

Dave leans in so he’s whispering in your ear. “Rose, this seems like a really bad idea.”

You roll your eyes. “Don’t be such a coward, Dave. Where’s your sense of adventure?”

“You and I both know you absorbed mine in the womb like the greedy little embryonic sucker you are.”

“Then I guess I’ll just be brave for both of us as I drag you over there to check this shit out.”

You grasp Dave by the wrist and inch forward towards the sound of what you can only describe as something...feeding. The reasonable part of you wants to sneak your camera forward and catch some footage of whatever it is before it catches wind of you and your brother’s presence here. 

That tiny part of you is silenced by your recklessly curious nature, and you continue walking unhindered towards the sound. 

“Rose what the fuck is that?”

Dave points his flashlight into the dark, exposing the invisible scene. 

Time and your heart both stop in sync. Once more you’re at a standstill, frozen in place as your eyes attempt to comprehend what you’re seeing. 

Eyes. Unblinking in shock perfectly mirroring yours.

A rabbit. Gray and grasped tightly in two long nailed hands. 

Blood. Smeared around plump lips and dripping between those hands. 

“Ka-”

The world bursts into screeching darkness. It’s such a shock you drop your flashlight and take a step back without thinking. The unexpected contact from you is enough to activate Dave’s fight or flight instinct. 

Your feet are barely touching the ground as your forcefully dragged away and back through the forest. Dave’s flashlight is waving all over the place, not doing much in terms of lighting the way ahead of you. You’re not as concerned about that. After all, there was nothing to run from anymore.

That...person? That bloody person, they’re not there.

It seems insane to even think it, but you know what you saw. There’s no other explanation. 

That person, they...

Transformed into a swarm of moths.

There’s no human reasoning for that. Somehow, though, you don’t doubt what you saw at all. 

Were they really a person?

What little light from the moon there is filtered through the trees is obscured, plunging you both into a deeper shade of darkness. You look up just in time to see several large moths fly over your head. 

Covered in blood in the night. A mass of moths and a dead rabbit left in their wake. It’s obvious what this is. 

“Dave, I think....we may have stumbled upon the real thing.” You watch the moths disappear, revealing the moon once again. “A real vampire.”

From what you can see, they’re heading towards town. “Do you know what this means, Dave?”

You can see the woods begin to clear. Instead of a forest, individual trees. Between those trees, the camera Dave was so worried about abandoning just a short while ago. 

“Our ratings are gonna go through the fucking roof.”

 

__________

The next morning, you spend the day scouring the woods for Dave’s camera. It doesn’t take too long to find, thankfully, but once you take a look at the footage you find it’s mostly unusable. The footage from both of your handhelds proves the same. There goes all the plans you had for the show today. 

Now on to new plans. Personal plans. 

You and Dave get back into the car around midday. It’s strangely quiet in the car as Dave drives slowly through East Stargo. He hasn’t said much since you escaped the woods the night before. He went straight to bed as soon as you reached your room, and since he woke up this morning he’s said barely five words to you.

“Dave, are you alright? You’ve been acting strange since this morning.”

“I...” He shakes his head. “No, actually I don’t think I am? Last night was...last night was fucking insane in the worst possible way. Rose, I’m gonna level with you here; this wasn’t what I signed up for when I agreed to be your cameraman slash cohost or whatever the hell it is I technically do. I just wanted to follow you around while you made fun of idiots trying to pass themselve’s off as the ghost of mothman, I never expected to actually have to deal with anything...dangerous. Yesterday scared the shit out of me, Rose, and honestly, I don’t think I can keep doing this anymore.”

“So what you’re saying is that you don’t want to come into this shoe store vampire den with me?” You gesture towards the unassuming store you’re parked in front of. 

“Do you need a camera in there?”

“No,” you reply, “I wasn’t planning on using any of this in the show.”

“Then I’d rather stay here.” He says as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. “I’ve got some shit to catch up on, anyway.”

“Okay,” you sigh as you open the car door and step out, “if you insist.”

You slam the door shut behind you and stare into the store. The shopfront’s exterior is mainly comprised of glass, giving you a good view of the wares on display inside. Being a shoe store, most of what you can see is a diverse array of shoes and boxes. 

With so much open area letting sunlight into the space, it’s definitely not the first place you would look to find a vampire. But that makes it the perfect place to hide and avoid suspicion, isn’t it? Especially considering Kanaya’s peculiar fashion sense as a cover on top of that. 

...assuming of course she is the vampire and you weren’t just seeing things last night. Yes, you know what you saw, but at the same time, it was so brief and shocking, who knows if your mind was only playing a trick on you or not?

“Are you actually going in or are you just gonna stand there in a daze?” Dave shouts from the car.

“God, of course I’m going in, Dave,” you roll your eyes, “I’m just reading the sign.”

“Took you three minutes to read ‘Solemates’?”

“Excuse me for appreciating a good pun.” You edge closer to the door and reach for the handle. “Are you going to stop keeping me from going in or have you changed your mind?”

“Nah, I’m good. You have fun getting your feet sized up by vampires.”

“Oh, I’m sure I will.”

And without further ado, you walk into the vampire’s lair. 

As far as lair’s go, it’s pretty mundane. It looks no different than any other shoe store you’ve been to in the past, just a bit smaller. At first glance, it appears empty. The store is clearly open, so you can only guess that Kanaya or some other employee either stepped out for a moment or are in a back room somewhere that you can’t currently see. 

You wander around the space a bit and consider what kind of shoes you’re going to buy for your cover story. After all, you can’t admit that you’re here to investigate (and potentially flirt with) Kanaya. And, as Kanaya so helpfully pointed out, you could use some new shoes. 

Honestly, you’ll probably just buy another pair of cheap flats. 

“Finding anything to your liking?”

You jump at the sound and turn to see someone who is most definitely not Kanaya behind you. She may not be Kanaya, but she is definitely just as pretty. 

She smiles down at you expectantly. “Well?”

This must be the sister Kanaya told you about. “I’m just browsing right now. Actually, is Kanaya here? We had a discussion yesterday about shoes and she offered to help me look.”

“Oh.” Her polite smile turns to a knowing smirk, and she looks you up and down slowly in a way that makes the blood climb to your face. “She’s out to lunch right now, actually. But she should be back shortly if you don’t mind the wait.”

“Not at all. I have nowhere I need to be today.”

“Good to know.” She nods. “Well then, I’ll leave you to your browsing.”

She walks away someplace you can’t see her anymore, and you continue your browsing unencumbered. And by “browsing” you of course mean glancing occasionally at the door. Thankfully you don’t have to wait long. 

Her face is obscured by a hood, but you can tell it’s her from the dramatic flourish of her entrance. She holds the door open for someone else. As soon as te door closes behind them, she lowers the hood and you are treated to an attractive angle of her face. Whoever it is is shorter than her and wearing what appears to be scrubs. 

Ah, the aforementioned cousin. She must have gotten to take him out to lunch after all.

Meeting Kanaya’s family was not how you intended to spend the day, but that’s fine. You also weren’t expecting to meet a real vampire here, either.

You wonder if Kanaya hails from a family of vampires or if she was created. Based on the rumors, you would say her vampirism is a more recent development. Either that, or Kanaya has just gotten particularly sloppy.

 

Her immaculately done makeup and the sheer blinding whiteness of her shirt lead you to believe that the former is far more likely. 

Speaking of her shirt....god she looks hot today. Usually you aren’t this easily distracted by the clothes on a beautiful woman but with Kanaya it’s impossible to ignore.

Her shirt is so white it looks practically brand new. You can see the sunlight gleam off the buttons, up from the high collar and down to the crease caused by being tucked into the high waist of her pants. 

The pants in question are….tight. Very tight. And dark, contrasting against her shirt nicely. Your gaze travels back up so you’re not caught staring and blushing at her soft looking and nicely clad thighs. 

Someone clears their throat, causing you to jump a bit. 

“Kanaya, you have a customer.” You can hear the smirk in Kanaya’s sister’s voice as she says it. 

“Oh?” Kanaya turns, her eyes flitting curiously across the store before landing on you. She smiles softly. “Karkat, I’m sorry but I think we’ll have to cut this visit short. I need to help a girl with some shoes.”

“Fuck, Kanaya.” The person with her groans loudly. “Can’t you flirt on your own time? I have to get back to work soon and I’m staying behind for you, remember?”

“Yes, of course I remember that, Karkat, but this is important.”

“Well excuse me for not understanding the list of priorities.” He rolls his eyes. “Hot girl trumps Karkat. I get it now! Could you lend me a pen so I can write it on my arm for future reference?”

He pulls up the sleeve of his undershirt and brandishes his arm towards her face. She leans away, face flush in a mix of annoyance and embarrassment that you completely understand, having experienced the same from Dave’s shenanigans from time to time. It’s fun to see it from the other side for once.

There’s something on his arm that stands out and draws your attention away from Kanaya and momentarily to him.

There is a large bandage on his arm, a hint of bloody cotton poking out of it. It almost looks like the type you get from giving blood. Which, in a sense, he may have.

“Porrim should have a pen, I think.” Kanaya says, carefully pushing his arm away from her. “Why don’t you go and talk to her about it for a minute?”

“You know what, fine. Fine!” He throws his hands up in exasperation. “I’ll just go bother Porrim until you’re done with your fucked up foreplay. I’m sure we’ll have a metric ton of shit to talk about.” 

He wanders away in the direction of Kanaya’s sister, Porrim. Kanaya glances at you, a hand reaching up and playing with a loose lock of her dark hair. Her face is tinged a sweet shade of pink.

“I see you decided to take me up on my offer.”

“With a proposition like the one you gave me, how could I refuse?” You shrug. “And you were right, I could use a new pair of shoes.”

“Well, then I suppose we should get you all sized up.”

You roll your eyes. “As if you haven’t been doing that since the moment we met.” 

“Like you’re one to talk.” She crosses the distance between the two of you. Even though you can actually see her move this time (yesterday’s dress blocked your view) she still looks like she’s gliding across the floor. The cape she’s wearing today only increases this strange aspect of her, floating on an unfelt breeze behind her as she moves. “Take off your shoes.”

You do as she says, slipping off your shoes and carrying them loosely in one hand. The carpeted floor feels strange on your bare feet as she walks past you and returns with a foot measuring device. 

“Seven and a half.” Kanaya reads off. “A bit on the small side, but I think we should have a few things for you. Come on.”

She leads you towards the back of the store, cape billowing behind her as she walks. She looks out of place here, a classic Victorian gothic stuck in a contemporary maze of colorful boxes. It’s almost a little surreal. 

“So were you looking for some new flats or did you finally learn the value of a good sturdy sneaker?”

“Flats.” You reply immediately. “I refuse to learn anything.”

“I expected as much.” Kanaya says, plucking a yellow shoe box off the stack beside her. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of shoes I think would look good on you. Here, try these.”

She removes the lid from the box and hands it to you. Nestled inside the paper in the box are a pair of flats, encrusted with pastel purple rhinestones that catch the light in a way that makes your eyes hurt a little. 

“These are...gaudier than I expected.”

Her shoulders slump. “So you don’t like them?”

“I didn’t say that.” You rectify quickly. “I’m going to try them on.”

You slip the shoes on and examine your feet thoroughly. They fit just fine, sure, but they’re still a little disappointing. Or not disappointing, just...an unexpected choice. You’re shocked they even make these in your size, they look like they would better fit the aesthetic of a five year old.  
You suppose this isn’t completely out of the blue, seeing the way Kanaya accessorizes. Granted, you’d thought that was mostly a cover to keep her safe from the sunlight, but perhaps this is just what her style has always been like. 

“So what do you think?”

“They’re nice.” You say, which isn’t a complete lie. They’re not uncomfortable, for sure. “I’ll take them. Where do I pay?” 

“Up front. Come with me.” She starts walking away and crooks a finger for you to follow her once more. You put your old shoes in the box and follow behind her.

Kanaya takes you up to the register, where you find her sister and cousin deep in conversation. Her cousin is sitting on top of the counter, while her sister is leaning against it and looking up at him as she speaks. You can’t tell what they’re talking about, but you can tell by her facial expression that Porrim said something fairly pointed and Karkat bursts into raucous laughter at it.  
Kanaya clears her throat, and the two of them cast their gazes on you instead. “If you wouldn’t mind, I have to ring up a purchase.”

Kanaya crosses over to the other side of the counter, gently pushing her sister out of the way of the register. She takes the box from you and scans it. 

“Kanaya,” you clear your throat, “I was just reminded of something. You left the hospital so quickly yesterday I didn’t have time to ask you something very important.”

“Oh?” Kanaya lights up. You know exactly what she thinks you’re going to say, and god you wish you were. “And whatever might that be?”

You hold out your credit card to her. “You know why I’m here, right?”

“In the store?” She swipes it and hands it back. 

“In East Stargo.”

“Why would I know that?” Your receipt prints out, and she places it in the shoebox and closes the lid. “Was that what you wanted to ask?”

“No.” You shake your head as you pick up the shoebox and hold it under your arm. “What I was going to ask is if there was anything you knew about the vampire.”  
Her smile doesn’t falter, but you think you can see the light leave her eyes. “About the...what?” 

“Why the fuck would she or anyone else here for that matter know any shit about the supposed vampire?” Her cousin loudly interrupts. “The vampire that’s definitely fake and not here, by the way, considering anyone with half a brain knows they’re not real. Are you an idiot or something, or are you just so out of the loop socially that you couldn’t think of a better and less fucking stupid question to ask?”

You turn to him, squinting distastefully at his attempt to change the subject and draw the conversation away from Kanaya. He’s smirking at you, obviously convinced his tactic worked as he waits for your reply.

“Aren’t you the nurse that passed out yesterday?”

Kanaya’s sister starts laughing as the blood rushes to his face. “I...all the blood caught me off guard. I was just surprised.”

“You work in a clinic, shouldn’t you be expecting blood?”

“Yeah well,” he sputters indignatly, “I wasn’t. That was my first patient and my blood sugar was low.”

You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Fuck off?”

“In a minute.” You reply, turning back to Kanaya. “Answer my question, please. The vampire. What do you know of her?”

Kanaya tilts her head. “Her?”

“Yes, her.” You nod. “Is there anything you might know, Kanaya? Something you’re not telling me?”

“I have nothing to tell you about the vampire, Rose. I’m sorry.” 

You know she’s lying, and she knows that you’re aware of the blatant lie she’s telling. You saw her last night, but that doesn’t matter. She knows you saw her there. There’s nothing you can do with this information unless she lets you. So far, she’s not budging, and you doubt she ever will.

“Alright.” You sigh. “Thank you for your time, and the shoes. I’ll think of you every time I crunch the underbrush in them.”

“Please don’t do that in those shoes.” Kanaya pleads. “Wear sneakers like a sensible person.”

“Funny you should say that,” you open the door, “I don’t recall seeing you in sneakers at all last night, either.”

She opens her mouth to say something in response, but the door closes behind you before you can hear what she has to say. You glance back on your way to the car. You’re just barely able to make out the other two huddled around Kanaya, talking intently. Kanaya probably hasn’t broken the news about last night yet. 

You climb into the passenger seat of the car, tossing your shoebox into the back seat. 

“Welcome back.” Dave greets as he puts his phone back into his pocket. He spares a glance at your feet. “What the fuck, did the wicked witch of the east die or something?”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not the wicked witch in this scenario, Toto.”

“Toto? Shit, am I the dog? I don’t even get to be part of the ensemble cast?”

“You pegged me as the witch that dies at the beginning of the movie, it’s only fair.” You reply. “Plus you’re just as loyal and yappy as a small dog and you like to accessorize from time to time, so the comparison fits.”

“I can’t tell if you’re insulting or complimenting me, so thanks a lot you utter bitch.” He starts the car.

“Don’t mention it.” The store begins to disappear from view as Dave drives aimlessly through the sunlit streets of East Stargo. “Dave, I have a favor to ask of you. Would you mind possibly doing _one more_ reckless thing with me?”

He takes a deep, shaky breath, his hands gripping the steering wheel tight. “Just one?”

You nod. “Just the one.”

“Okay.” He lets it out slowly through his teeth. “But no more after this.”

“I understand.”

“So what is it you want me to do?”

 

\------------------- 

_Sluuuuuuuuurp_

“Dave, can you stop that?” You chastise into your cell phone. “You’re gonna run out of holy water if you drink it all.” 

“Fuck off, I’m anxious and anxiety makes me nervous. Plus since I’m ordained as of three hours ago thanks to the sweet webnet I can toss a blessing on whatever I want, liquid or otherwise. You know, if I really wanted I could make my own water in an hour or so and fling some holy piss around.”

“I think you have more than enough water that that shouldn’t be necessary.” You reply, rolling your eyes. “I didn’t get you that bedazzled utility belt for nothing.”

“Uh, yes you did? The studio got it for me, remember? We’re comping this shit.”

“You’re right, how silly of me to even imply otherwise. It sounds like you have a handle on what to do if you do run out of actual water now, so I’m just going to ask that you do so a little further away from the ear piece.”

“Fine, as long as I can continue to slurp while I walk around aimlessly and completely vulnerable in the hopes of running into a vampire in the woods.”

There are two large forests in East Stargo. Despite better judgement gleaned from any horror movie you’ve ever seen, you decided to split up. Dave went to the forest you investigated yesterday, while you decided to explore the one on the edge of town. There have been sightings of her at both places, but you think she’s more likely to come to your location given the events of last night. 

If not, Dave’s so well stocked up on supplies that he shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Along with the bottle of holy water he stuffed his pockets full of garlic and even packed himself a stake in case things got out of hand. You doubt they will, but you can’t claim anything for certain. 

Your current plan is as follows: wander around the forest and hope you find Kanaya. 

That’s it. The whole plan. You have no way of determining where she’ll go or how to trap her. What you do have is a couple cloves of garlic and a squirt gun full of holy water. 

Is this a good plan? No. Is it the best plan you could come up with in less than an hour and with a limited budget? Also no, but you didn’t bother to think of any after this one and anyway Dave already agreed to do this.

“So you’re not seeing anything so far, then?” You ask as you continue to look around, stopping to lean against a tree. Your feet hurt from trying to break these new shoes in, and they’re not exactly made for this type of thing. 

“Nope, absolute zilch.” He replies as you expected. It’s just become dusk, you’d be surprised if he found any evidence of her already. “A bird did try to shit on me earlier, but I dodged that like a fucking champion.”

“Good, then you can keep ‘bird scat on my white vans’ off the list of bad shit that happened to you this week.” 

“First of all, these are converse, and second of all, these are red. Bright, searing, cherry fucking red. God, it’s like you don’t know me at all.”

“You’re right, I really don’t. Who is this?” You stretch your arms over your head and look up at the sky. It’s cloudier than it was this afternoon, and it’s growing darker by the minute. Perfect. You walk deeper into the woods.

“Oh ha ha, you’re hilarious, Rose. You should have been a comedian instead of a paranormal investigator.”

“You say that as if our show isn’t already a joke.” It’s cold out, and you stuff your free hand into the pocket of your cardigan. You grip your squirt gun tightly in your pocket. It’s a cheap plastic thing that you bought at the dollar store that you hope will serve its purpose well for today. 

“Well clearly now it’s less of a fucking joke and more like a goddamn nightmare.” You can hear him start sipping his water again. “Hey, do you think it’s going to be like this forever now? Us in peril searching up real monsters? Are we gonna die at the rotting hands of some fleshmonger?”

“Fleshmonger?”

“That’s what I’m going to be calling the zombies when they get here, since obviously we can’t call them that. Gotta pull a Walking Dead on this bitch and call them something original.” 

“Obviously.” You nod. “We have to differentiate ourselves from the other undead media somehow. As for your question, even though I do want the show to continue on like this, since it was always my intention to find supernatural beings and share them with the world. I can promise you this much, though; after tonight you should be in minimal peril for the rest of this program’s run.”

“Like the end of this episode we’re working on or when we finally get cancelled?” You can hear the apprehension in his voice.

“When we finally get cancelled.” You assure him. “It’s getting dark really quickly, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. Fuck, it’s so hard to see. I should take off my shades.”

“Yes, you really should. No point in wearing your shades at night.”

“That’s when all cool guys wear shades, Rose. Are you calling me uncool?”

“Well I’ve never called you cool, now have I?”

“Wow, be a bitch much?” He tsks. “I’ll call you back in a bit if I see something, okay?”

“Okay.” He’ll probably call back in a few minutes because he’s freaked out being in the woods by himself. “I’ll let you know if I see anything, too. Bye.”

You turn on your phone’s camera function and aim it into the woods. Even though you’re mostly here for you, it’s still in your best interest to get some more footage for the episode. You’re not sure if you even have fifteen minutes of usable stuff for the show yet. 

The sky darkens to the deepest blue and the clouds above blot out the stars. The forest is not quiet. If there’s one thing you’ve learned, it’s that it is never truly quiet in a forest. There are leaves still clinging to the branches and rustling occasionally, crickets chirping with abandon, something skittering in the underbrush. 

You’re waiting for something else. A different sound. One that doesn’t quite fit with the rest of them. 

Kanaya.

Your hands are trembling slightly. Whether with the night’s chill or with fear and adrenaline you didn’t realize you were experiencing, you couldn’t say for sure. You tighten your grip on the squirt gun and steady the hand holding your phone as best you can. 

You hear something. 

Running.

Predator in pursuit of prey. 

You stop dead where you stand and turn towards the sound. Something small and incredibly nimble blurs past your feet. Another rabbit, perhaps? Maybe some kind of mouse.

Then comes the hunter. 

You brace yourself for the impact. 

They slam into you, and you’re both sent sprawling onto the ground. The back of your shirt has ridden up, and you can feel the cold dirt and dead leaves on your bare skin. 

There is a groan above you that you can feel against your face. The pursuer is laying right on top of you, the warm weight of them heavy on your body. 

They lurch upright but don’t get off of you. They shake their head and groan again. You can barely see them in the darkness, but you can tell enough to know that it’s Kanaya, just as you’d expected.

And she’s bearing her fangs at you.

“Hello, Kanaya.” You say in the calmest manner possible, as if your heart isn’t drowning out all other sound in this forest and your face is not burning brighter than the midday sun.

“What are you doing here?” She asks, glaring down in annoyance at you. She moves one of her hands from the spot where it was framing your head to brush a few stray locks of hair back into place. Some dirt from her palm clings to her cheek.

“I could ask you the same thing, now, couldn’t I?” You try to bring your phone up so you can get some good shots of her face, but find that your hand is empty. You must have dropped your phone when you fell. Fuck. Hopefully you can still salvage the audio. “We both know why I’m here, in this forest, in this town at all, really. I’m here to find a vampire. The real question is why are you, a human person who claims to know nothing about aforementioned vampire, chasing a small rodent through the woods for? What sort of reasonable explanation could you possibly have for this? Well, Kanaya?”

“I...I’m here because...you see the reason for me being here is....it’s very simple, once I explain it you’ll understand, I’m here...because...I...” she stops talking, letting out an agitated huff. She pounds the dirt near your head with her fist in a way that makes you jump. “What’s the point? You already know what I am.”

“Yes, I do.” Your hand is grasping around in the cold foliage in an attempt to reach your phone. Unfortunately, it’s beyond your fingers. You can’t even reach it. “But I would like you to admit it. Kanaya, why are you here?”

Somehow, though, the squirt gun has remained firmly clutched in your hand. 

She sighs deeply and begins to rise off of you, and you can finally sit up and look at her. Her face is enshrouded in shadow, all you can see is the slight glimmer in her eyes. 

“I’m here,” her voice is edged and sends a shiver down your spine as she stares down at you, “because I’m hungry. And I want blood. Are you willing to give that to me, Rose?”

“No.” You try to control the tremble in your voice. “I don’t think I am.”

“Then if you don’t mind, I’ll be leaving.” She brushes the dirt off of her pants and swishes her cape as she walks past you. 

“I do mind, actually.” You turn on your heel and point your squirt gun at her back. “Stay right there.”

Kanaya glances at you from the corner of her eye and tilts her head at you. “Is that a gun? Rose, were you planning to shoot me?”

 

“Relax, it’s not a real gun.” You’re saying that to yourself as much as you are to her. “There are no bullets. It’s only holy water.”

To prove this, you aim at a tree near her and squirt it. She flinches at the splash. “Where did you get holy water?”

You shrug. “I have a source.”

“A source? Do they sell holy water on Amazon now?”

“Please, Kanaya, you and I both know Amazon’s holy water can’t be trusted. It’s tainted just from being affiliated with Jeff Bezos.” You reply. “Plus the shipping’s a bitch. But we can discuss that later. Right now I have something important to ask you.”

“Something important to ask me at gunpoint.” She says slowly.

“Water gun point, but yes. And to be more specific, I’m not really asking. It’s more of a request. I promise I won’t actually use this on you, it’s just to keep you here long enough to respond. So what do you say, Kanaya, will you hear my request?”

“Fine.” She sighs, but you can tell that she’s intrigued. She’s also obviously antsy to get back to the pursuit. Whatever she’s been chasing has probably been long gone by now. “What is it you want from me?”

You cross the cold distance between you, Kanaya stiffening at your approach with the squirtgun still in your hand. You quickly stow it in your pocket and rub your hands on your cardigan to remove any excess water that may have dripped onto you.

“Kanaya.” Her eyes are wide with confusion as you take her hands in yours. They’re much softer than you expected, but it’s a pleasant surprise. 

“Become my cohost.” 

 

_________

 

Kanaya skips her dinner to discuss your request with you. You walk her over to your car, and after you pick up Dave and drop him back off at the motel she gives you directions to a local diner for your chat.

There are only a handful of other people at this diner, and it’s clear that they’re planning on closing soon. Most likely you’re the last customers of the night. Your drink orders come first, you get tea and Kanaya orders a cranberry juice. 

“Can you eat human food?” You ask. “Does it hold any value to you since your transformation, or can you only survive off blood now?”

“I can digest human food just fine.” She replies. “You know, a lot of cultures do ingest blood as a food source. Blood sausage, soups, sometimes cakes, even. But I do need it for my survival now. It’s like my body processes blood like it did water when I was human. I get thirsty and weaker if I don’t drink at least some daily.”

The cranberry juice and your tea arrive, and you place your order for food. 

“So then what are you going to do tonight?” You ask as you blow the steam on your tea. “Since I interrupted your dinner.”

“I hate to do it, but I’ll probably end up feeding on my cousin again tonight.” She sighs. “If he knew he’d probably insist on me doing it anyway.”

“Really? Why’s that?”

“He was there when it happened. I think he feels partly responsible for it.” She’s running her finger over the rim of her glass. The cranberry juice is blood red, and by the way Kanaya is staring down at it you have a feeling she wishes it actually was. “That’s about as much of the incident as I’m comfortable relaying right now. It was a fairly recent event and honestly I think I’m still processing through it. Are you recording this? Is any of it going to end up as part of the episode?”

“I am, but I won’t put it in the episode if you don’t want me to. Seeing as this is a sensitive subject for you and you may possibly be my new cohost, I’ll only release anything you’re comfortable with sharing.”

“How generous.” She smirks as she sips her juice. “Do you always offer this deal to the monsters you chase?”

“Only the pretty ones.” You shrug.

“And about this cohost position,” Kanaya leans in closer, staring intently into your eyes, “why me?”

That’s a good question, but there’s really only one explanation and it’s embarrassing to admit. “Because I like you.”

She frowns. “Because I’m a vampire or because you think I’m pretty?”

“Because,” you stare her down right back and will the blood in your body to stay in place and not flood your cheeks, “we connect. I thought you were interesting before I ever expected you were a vampire, Kanaya. Something about you is just...intriguing. Like no matter where I go I’ll never find another girl that I am so immediately drawn towards. So to answer your question, it’s because you’re a vampire, you’re pretty, and your wit and commentary are something I think would be good for the show.”

“Wow,” Kanaya chuckles, “you know from all the episodes of Dubious Quest I watched, I never pegged you as such a ladies woman.”

“Most of my flirtatious endeavors had to be cut from the show.” You reply. “Why do you think it’s only thirty minutes long?”

She laughs at that. Outright laughs. It’s a surprising but great sound. It’s not as ladylike as her persona would lead you to believe. It’s hoarser than you expected, almost raucous but not quite. It’s beautiful, and you’re so glad you got to hear it.

She coughs into her hand and takes another sip of her cranberry juice. “I never told you this, but...I’ve seen every episode of your show. I’m a fan. When I heard you were coming to East Stargo to investigate me I was...admittedly, very excited at the prospect of meeting you in person. I went out of my way to make sure I did just that, though to be honest my plan wasn’t to meet you at the clinic at all. That was just a stroke of luck on my part.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Good luck or bad?”

“Well, considering where we are,” she gestures around the diner, to the low lights and the glossy counter where several pies are lazily rotating in a way to entice customers, “I would say good luck.”

Fuck yeah it was. “So are you telling me you made implications of being a vampire to me on purpose?”

“Of course I did.” She snorts. “Did you really think I would be that obvious if I didn’t want your attention? Rose, I’m not an idiot.”

“There was never a second where I thought you were. Which brings me back to the matter at hand. You haven’t told me what you thought of my offer, Kanaya.”

“Well the thing is, I still have some questions about it. You explained why you want me to be your cohost, but now thy you’re looking for one in the first place. What about your bother? Isn’t he the cohost?”

“You see, Kanaya, the thing about Dave is-” your food arrives, “-thank you. He’s a chicken. A brave chicken, possibly the bravest fowl ever known to man, but a chicken nonetheless. I truly believe Dave would follow me to hell and back even if I insisted he didn’t, and I also believe if he knew I was with someone else then given the option, he’d rather not go at all. Those are great traits in a brother and a friend, but not necessarily ones for someone hosting a paranormal investigation show with. The only reason he’s survived as long as he has without much consequence is because this is the first real case we’ve encountered. And even though those were all tremendously fun times that I wouldn’t trade for the world, I don’t want to remain pulling sheets off of idiots in old houses forever. Kanaya, you’re the direction I want the show to be going in, and for that I need _you_ , not Dave, out there and exploring the dark and dangerous supernatural with me.”

“So you’re dumping your brother in favor of me?”

“Not really dumping him.” You explain. “Demoting. He’ll just be the camera man now. It’s a less dangerous position and besides, he’s good at it.” 

“So it’s not just going to be me and you out on the road together, solving occult mysteries and exposing the secrets of the otherworldly for our audience?”

You laugh. “You sound disappointed, Kanaya.”

“I am a little.” She admits with a shrug. “For a moment it was like one of my dreams was coming true, but then your brother was there.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time alone together while we’re out investigating the things that go bump in the night.” You wiggle your eyebrows at her. “Assuming you agree to come, of course.”

Kanaya doesn’t say anything for a moment, finishing up what’s left of her meal and then pushing her plate away. 

She stands up. “I’m going to need some time.”

You give her a solemn and understanding nod as you continue to work on your own food. “Of course. Take as long as you need, it’s a difficult decision to make.”

“No, I mean I’m going to need some time to pack my things. It’s going to take me a bit to determine what I will need to protect myself from the sun while also being appropriate for investigating in. Judging from your outfit, you’re not going to be much of a help.”

“Hey,” you reply resentfully, pointing your fork at her, “you picked out these shoes.”

“Yes, as a joke.” She grins, rolling her eyes at you. “I never thought you’d actually buy them.”

You watch as she walks to the door, pulling the hood of her cape up in preparation for the chill of the night air. She turns to you briefly as she opens it. “I should be ready by tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay, well then I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “You don’t know where I live, I’ll come to you. Tomorrow afternoon.”

She exits before you can say anything more in reply. Not that you had much more to say, anyway. You finish your meal, and the bill arrives. It’s only then that you realize you got stuck with the whole thing.

 

_____________

 

While you were out with Kanaya, Dave somehow convinced the motel to extend your checkout time so you have to leave by around two instead of early in the morning. Luckily, you and Dave have everything all packed up and ready to go by the time noon rolls around. 

You’re dragging the last of the bags out to the car when you see her lounging on the hood of the car. She’s wearing sunglasses and a large sun hat to block the light from her face. Dave is also there, apparently chatting with her about something and standing directly in front of the sun’s path. 

“Hey,” you call to both of them, “I see you two are getting along well.”

“Yeah,” Dave turns to you and grins, “she’s not that scary once you start thinking of her as a giant mosquito with Audrey Hepburn’s taste in accessories.”

“Audrey Hepburn.” Kanaya tilts her head a bit, but not enough that it meets the sun. “I like that.” 

She scoots off the hood of the car and stands in front of you, grinning. You hold out the bag to her. “Since you’re going to be coming with us, it’s only fair that you pull your own weight. Put this in the trunk.”

“Pull my own weight, hm?” She takes the bag from your hand and throws it over her shoulder. “As if you didn’t beg me to join you last night.”

“You thought that was begging?” You laugh as you watch her take the bag and place it carefully in the trunk with the others. The light catches on her outfit and glints off the fabric. “Kanaya, I’m sorry to tell you this but I don’t think you know the meaning of the word if that’s what you thought it was. Don’t worry, you’ll learn.”

“I’ll learn?” She laughs as she closes the trunk. “Are you planning on begging me for something else, Rose?”

“Oh, rest assured,” you open one of the back doors and gesture for her to enter, “I won’t be the one doing the begging.”

“God, get a room you guys.” Dave says, shaking his head. “You know, we still have the room for a couple more hours, right?”

“Why should we get a room when we have the entire backseat available to us?” You reply. “I’m about ready to get on the road again. Kanaya?”

“I’ve been ready since I finished packing.” 

“Alright,” Dave claps his hands, “then let’s hit it. But don’t get too rowdy in the back cuz-”

 _“Hey!”_

There’s a figure running across the parking lot towards you, waving their arms in a bid for your attention. 

“Hey you fucks! Wait!” 

That voice...it’s vaguely familiar to you, but you just can’t place it. Beside you, Kanaya stiffens.

“Karkat?” 

Ah, the cousin.

The three of you wait for him to reach you. When he finally does, he’s breathing too hard to say anything more. Instead he doubles over and holds up a hand, requesting you all let him catch his breath before he continues his curse filled tirade. Out of curiosity, you oblige.

“Kanaya,” he takes a deep breath and straightens back up, “what the fuck are you doing? Did you really think you could just leave without saying anything?”

“How did you find me?”

Karkat gives her the blankest expression humanly possible. “You’re wearing a metallic jumpsuit, I could see you from space if I wanted to.” 

“He has a point, you’re hard to miss.” You agree. “That doesn’t explain why he’s here, though.”

He crosses his arms over his chest and glares at Kanaya. “I’m here because I’m coming, too.”

“Whoa, wait, what the fuck? Since when?” Dave asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Since right the fuck now, shitwipe.” He snaps back. “Don’t try to change my mind, because I’m way too much of a stubborn ass for that bullshit to work on me.”

“Karkat, why do you even want to come?” Kanaya asks, tilting her head in confusion. 

“For you, obviously. You’re going on the road, to places you’ve never been to before. Cities and other areas where you can’t catch jack shit in. What the fuck’s your plan for if you get stuck in a suburb searching for a ghost or something? Are you going to feed on a god damn puppy? And what about the winter? Do you have a plan for that? Are you going to get your fix from these losers?”

“I-” She stops and catches her lip on a fang thoughtfully. It’s clear she hasn’t thought too much about this.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You need blood, Kanaya, and I’m coming with to make sure you get it. For everyone’s safety. Plus I’m a fucking medical professional so having me around is nothing but a benefit for everyone involved.”

“Hey, aren’t you the guy who passed out at the sight of my blood?” Dave asks.

“Aren’t you the guy who got his ass kicked by me five seconds from now?” Karkat replies before turning his attention to you. “So, do you have room or do I have to follow behind in my own car?”

You glance at Kanaya and shrug back to him. Why not? The more the merrier, right?

“I hope you’re okay with only taking what you have on you, because we’re leaving right now. Take shotgun.”

“No, really, aren’t you the guy?” Dave continues insistently as he climbs in driver’s side.

“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up about that.”

Kanaya gets into the back seat as Dave and Karkat continue to bicker in the front. You follow her in, moving so you’re in the middle and therefore closer to her. 

“So,” Kanaya smiles, “what’s the plan now?”

“We drive for a little bit and then stop someplace for the night so we can edit the episode together and send it in to the studio.” You rest your hand on top of hers. It’s warm beneath your fingers. “Then we’ll figure out where to go from there. You wouldn’t happen to know anyone who may or may not be a creature of supernatural origins?”

“Hm.” She thinks about it for a moment. “I have a friend I met on a forum online who claims to be a werewolf?”

“Do you have any reason to believe these claims to be true?”

“Of course not.”

The car revs to a start. East Stargo begins to slowly fade behind you with the rise of the mid day sun. 

“Perfect.” You reply. “Then that’s where we’ll go.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! And happy halloween! :D


End file.
